CIRCULATING DNA
My DNA is evident in the way my lips know how to round and pucker when I say Je t’aime, it’s embedded in the cobbled streets where my Grand-Mère grew up, wandered and played.
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I have written of how my body carries the memories of the ones who went before me. It’s my constant fascination, one not only confirmed but amplified by my ever-deepening relationship with the science of the human experience.
My preferences and dislikes, the overwhelming sensation that I’ve been exactly in this place before, are manifestations of an inheritance flowing through my veins, as fluid as a foreign language that rolls familiar off my tongue, as obvious as my deep brown eyes set with a determined gaze.
DETERMINATION. THIS IS WHERE MY MODERN STORY UNFOLDS. NOT ON THE COBBLED STREETS OF THE VILLAGES OF MY ANCESTORS, BUT DOWN ENDLESS CORRIDORS THAT LEAD TO LABS AND EXAM ROOMS DESIGNED FOR UNCOVERING A DNA WITH AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.
My life has become a minefield, an explosion of revelations coming furiously, endlessly, to the point where there are sweeping collections of minutes when I can hardly catch my breath—Tell me, what have you learned about yourself over the last months, even weeks or days?
The butterfly needle has become my friend. Usually on the first try, sometimes two or three, we extract the scarlet secrets and watch them swirl into the tiny catheter and then into the tube.
This most-recent draw is intended to determine my Circulating Tumor DNA. With a disposition of fascination tucked firmly in place, I endure the necessary taking of little parts of me in exchange for giving me [the hope of] a few more years.
The thing that makes me most disagreeable is surprisingly not the pricking and poking but the harshness of the fluorescent lamps. And so, I close my eyes and drench myself in the memory of sunlight on lavender fields.
WE MISTAKE THAT THE COLOR OF OUR EYES, OUR SKIN SETS THE COURSE—BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OF AND ABOUT US THAN WE CAN EVER KNOW. AND I HAVE COME TO RECONCILE THAT THE MOST FASCINATING PARTS OF ME ARE NOT SOMETHING OBVIOUS BUT HIDDEN FROM VIEW—
No superficial conversation can ever coax the details of my story.
To unearth what is extraordinary about me [about you] will require an invest of more than a minute or two.
This is an investment we are often too overwhelmed to make…and so we default to cookie-cutter solutions in the hard moment when one-size-fits-all will never do.
WE CLAIM, “NEVER WOULD I EVER.” BUT WHEN THE MOMENT OF DIFFICULT DECISIONS PRESENTS ITSELF ARE WE PREPARED FOR WHAT WE WILL DO?
I watch the butterfly needle gently seek its target. The tragedy in this instant [the one most uncomfortable] is that we refuse to look, instead we turn turn away.
The DNA swirling and dancing within us has something important, even life-giving to say—
In the memories we inherited,
In the choices we make.
Pay attention to the whispers. Lean in and let them teach you.
There is still so much unknown about ourselves circulating through our veins.
The hard moment is a great teacher. I have not wasted the lessons along the way.
NOTES:
More about Circulating [TUMOR] DNA:
Two months ago, I had my blood drawn to determine my current circulating tumor cells. For those who are “medical geeks” like me, this is how it works:
Somewhere in San Francisco there is a lab that has my frozen tissue specimens from my original life-saving surgeries three years ago.
Through a sophisticated, scientific process, that tissue is used to create my own unique assay composed of 16 DNA mutations that, like a thumbprint, identify my one-of-a-kind disease.
Once this thumbprint is built, it is used to identify circulating tumor cells in my bloodstream identified through recent and continual blood draws that can be analyzed and compared to map the stability, or progression, of my cancer.
Apart from my overwhelming thanks for the sophisticated science that allows us to learn more about my specific cancer and the disease in general, I am sending up an enormous praise that my current circulating tumor cells are, in my doctor’s words, “Extremely low given the nature of your Stage IV status.”
We know what this means, don’t we—
That prayer works in marvelous ways,
That praying along with others toward a particular outcome is powerful,
That many voices turn God’s head,
That doing our part to partner with God in his healing efforts produces results of which we can only dream.
Our work moves Him. Our belief changes everything.
As I write, there are two specific thoughts that speak louder than the others in my head—
1. DO YOUR PART—the desires of your heart must be validated by evidence of your own movement toward the outcome you seek. Partner with God in His work. He may be waiting for you to make a move.
2. SPEAK LIFE—During my conversation with the genetic counselor she stated over and over, "...your active Stage IV cancer." The fact that I have cancer is not a surprise, but I honestly don't dwell on it every day. Hearing these words was difficult. I needed a moment to recover. What we say to one another, no matter the circumstance, changes everything about how we believe, hope, and ultimately heal. When you are invited to speak into someone's life, SPEAK LIFE—
No matter the prognosis. No matter the science. No matter what you personally think.